some drabbles
Apr. 27th, 2017 01:25 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vageege posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
mcreyes"Oh, Jesus," Gabriel whispered under his breath. Thank God that Jesse didn't seem to hear him. The air left his lungs as he watched Jesse loosen his jaw and work his way lower, lips curled inwards around his teeth, tongue wagging against the underside of Gabriel's cock.
It felt good. Incredible, whatever. But it was the sight -- the image of Jesse that'd caused his breath to get sucked away.
He'd thought about this. He'd dreamt of this, even.
Wished for, even.
Gabriel pushed his fingers through Jesse's hair, away from his face, and Jesse looked up at him. Connected eyes with him, and Gabriel had to look away.
It was too much.
/////
Jesse had been trained for information extraction. That was what they called it. Gabriel knew Jesse had been trained. It was required. And yet, somehow, he was still a bit taken aback.
Because Jesse was an absolute natural. More so than Gabriel could’ve ever been. Especially at that age.
Gabriel had wanted to ask. But he didn’t. He knew better. He knew the answer. It’d been evident, right in front of him, when Jesse had stood with a completely blank expression on his face in front of a man begging him for mercy. Totally unaffected.
Like he was doing something simple. Mundane. Routine. Like he was doing some everyday task. Like he was washing the goddamn dishes.
There was no way that’d been the first time Jesse had tortured someone.
Gabriel said nothing once that first session was over. Jesse hadn’t either.
/////
"What was your life like? Before Blackwatch, I mean. The Crisis, what have you."
Gabriel glanced over at Jesse, cheeks puffing out a bit, smoke pooling inside his mouth while he held his breath for a few seconds.
What an odd question to ask.
Gabriel exhaled a fat puff of cigarette smoke when he finally decided to answer.
"You mean like the SEP?"
"Pardon?"
"Soldier enhancement progra--"
"Oh, right, hah, that super soldier shit. Sure, yeah, tell me about that."
Gabriel paused again. "Why?"
Jesse shrugged and leaned back against one of the big storage containers that surrounded them. They'd slipped away to this forgotten spot past the furthest hangar from the base. Overlooking the sea and otherwise surrounded by rock walls and huge metal cubes stacked on top of one another. Mostly unused. A secret. Theirs.
"I just like knowin' shit about you is all."
"Why?" Gabriel repeated. He'd been interviewed plenty of times. But.
"Because I--" Jesse stopped mid-sentence. Looked back out towards the sea. Took a drag of the cigarette he'd bummed off Gabriel. "I just do."
Gabriel let the silence hang. He stopped himself from guessing what Jesse had almost said. Tried to stop himself, anyway.
"The SEP was, uh." Gabriel rubbed the back of his neck and huffed a laugh. "Fucking shitty."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, felt like a goddamn lab rat. Sick all the time. Didn't know if it'd kill me or not. Jack, too. That's how we met, you know."
"Everyone knows that."
"Right, well. It was one of the most difficult things I've done."
"Why'd you do it?"
Gabriel gave Jesse a look. Jesse stone faced him. Gabriel hated how good Jesse was at that.
"The Crisis was a pressing matter and all."
"You wanted to save the world that bad?"
Gabriel let his eyes drift back out to the sea. Memories filtered through his head, and he let them slip away again. Let the wind whipping around them carry them off.
"I wanted to destroy the thing that took everything else from me."
Jesse didn't respond right away. Gabe felt something settle in his stomach. That was too much. Too honest. Too much.
When Jesse spoke again, he said, "I used to want that real bad. Sometimes I still do."
And when Jesse looked over at him, Gabriel found himself staring at cold, dark eyes. Dead eyes. And Gabriel remembered that Jesse grew up during the Crisis. Had seen his own share of blood before they’d ever met.
But of course Jesse would only empathize. Of course he would.
It wasn't until later, when Gabriel was alone, remembering the conversation and what Jesse had said to him, that the thought struck him.
Wanting to destroy the thing that took everything. Sometimes he still did.
Gabriel realized that, years ago, he'd taken everything from Jesse, too.
/////
The first time Gabriel had ever found Jesse piss drunk, Jesse had been eighteen years old. Gabriel had sat with him in his own private bathroom while Jesse puked into his toilet and apologized.
Gabriel had hauled his ass back to his quarters, shoving a bottle of water into Jesse's hands before telling him to get some sleep.
It happened again. Several more times. It became routine. Gabriel didn't know how Jesse got ahold of it.
It lessened as Jesse got older. But still, even years and years later, Gabriel wondered if liquor was the only thing Jesse had ever loved.
If Jesse had ever once let it fuck with a mission, Gabriel might've had more leverage. But Jesse outperformed every other goddamn agent, despite the years they all had on him.
Jesse only tipped into belligerence late into the night, on base, alone.
One night, when they were laying together in Gabriel's bed, worn out and slick and naked, Gabriel spoke as Jesse sipped at a glass of bourbon.
"When'd you start drinking?"
Jesse didn't even look at him. Kept his gaze unfocused, swallowed slowly. Minimal reaction.
"First time I killed a man, I was ten years old. And I went to the boys in Deadlock, and I told 'em. Didn't feel right. And they handed me a bottle, and that was that."
Gabriel couldn't find the words for a long time.
Some time later -- months later -- Gabriel found himself lost in his own memories. It happened. Scenes played out in his head whether he wanted them to or not. The first man he'd ever killed. First confirmed kill on something that wasn't a robot. Never even saw his face. Didn’t sleep much that night.
"First time you killed a guy," Gabriel started to Jesse in the middle of the night, knowing Jesse was barely awake. Maybe that was what allowed him to even say the words. "First time -- did you cry?"
Gabriel listened to the silence between them. Thought maybe Jesse had already fallen asleep. Started feeling glad for it until Jesse finally sighed and answered.
"No."
"Have you ever?"
"Not once."
/////
Smoke stung his eyes and his ears were ringing, but for the most part, Gabriel was alive. His whole team was alive, thanks to Jesse.
He still had that wild sort of look in his eyes. Twelve hostiles down and more than half were due to Jesse's outrageous aim.
"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Gabriel said when he was sure he was muted on the comms.
Jesse looked over at him, still breathing heavy, grin still plastered on his face. Almost manic.
"It's what I was made for."
Gabriel frowned and glanced around their cover again, still waiting for the all clear.
He wanted to tell Jesse that what he’d said wasn't true. That he wasn't made for killing.
But that would've been a lie, wouldn't it.
/////
“Now y’all gonna put a goddamn tracker in me?”
Reyes raised his eyebrows from where he stood on the other side of the small medical office. A doctor with latex gloves and those glasses with the invisible frames stood next to Jesse, waiting in exasperation. Seconds ago, the doctor had started painting on a disinfectant solution, only to have Jesse suddenly yank his arm away.
“How is this surprising?” Gabriel asked.
Jesse glared at him. “I ain’t some dog you microchip in case I go missing—“
“No, you’re an agent that could go missing, and if you were to go missing, there is a very real chance that you could want us to find you as quickly as possible.” Gabriel folded his arms across his chest.
“That, and if I ran away, you’d hunt me down real fast, huh.”
“Real goddamn fast.”
“All Blackwatch agents gotta have these things put in them?”
Reyes nodded.
“You got one?”
“I do.”
Jesse snorted. “So you’re no different.”
Gabriel didn’t respond. He just watched Jesse extend his arm to let the doctor do his job.
After the tracker was implanted and they were walking to their next appointment — another performance review — Jesse had asked, “These things permanent?”
“More or less. It doesn’t dissolve or anything. Needs to be surgically removed.”
Jesse cast his angry expression at the ground. Another few seconds passed before he spoke again.
“One day, I’m gonna fuckin’ cut my goddamn arm off. And then I’m gonna be free.”
As they walked down the bright hallway together, gauze taped to the inside of Jesse’s left arm, Gabriel thought to himself that Jesse probably hadn’t felt what freedom truly tasted like, ever, in his life.
Gabriel had arrested Jesse’s former superior himself. Jesse said he wasn’t a dog, but he’d always had a master.
Years later, Gabriel found himself wishing he could let go of the fucking leash. But he couldn’t.
/////
They were drunk — both of them, rather than just Jesse. Which wasn’t so common.
Gabriel was actually. Very drunk. Which was fine.
It wasn’t fine, in retrospect.
He didn’t know how Jesse could fucking. What was that. Did he get peer pressured? Did Gabriel get peer pressured into drinking that much? An entire fifth? Was that what the fuck happened, to have him so goddamn. Giggly? He wasn’t fucking giggly, but.
Jesse leaned on him, his laugh so genuine and inviting. That infectious kind of laughter. The kind of laughter that made him feel so funny and clever.
Laughter couldn’t be manipulative. Could it? Jesse was manipulative. He was—
Gabriel hated that his thoughts went that way.
He looked over at Jesse, and the way he was so comfortable, like he was really fucking home, and God. Fuck.
In one of the empty common rooms on the base, on the couch along the wall, sitting next to his top agent, their thighs too close together, Gabriel had three sudden thoughts.
The room was under video surveillance. Video surveillance did not include audio. Jesse was so goddamn. Perfect.
Gabriel was shitfaced.
Four thoughts.
Gabriel grabbed Jesse’s laughing face with both hands and looked him right in the eyes.
“Listen. I haven’t told anyone I loved them since the Crisis. My family. Before all that.”
Jesse stilled. Laughter stopped.
“And I love you.” Lips parted. Sudden inhale. “I’ve been in love with you.”
Jesse dropped the glass of cheap liquor he’d been holding. It spilled all over the couch.
He put his hands over Gabriel’s. Pulled them down, away from his face.
“Please don’t.”
God.
The ache in Gabriel’s chest. Fucking Christ.
“Why would you say that?”
Jesse’s eyes were wide. Gabriel had never seen Jesse panicked in his life. God.
And Jesse looked away, anywhere else but him, like he was searching for something in the room that’d pull him out. It killed Gabriel. It fucking killed him.
And then Jesse said, “Nobody’s ever said that to me before, and I don’t. I don’t—“
Deep, shaking breath.
“I don’t know what to do.”
/////
“I’ve never done this before,” Gabriel admitted in the low light of his private quarters. His wrists were cuffed behind his back. Jesse’s hand ran down Gabriel’s calf before his fingers wrapped around his bare ankle.
“Never?”
Gabriel didn’t answer.
“Don’t be nervous, sweetheart—“
“I’m not nervous. I was just—“
“Listen, if you say stop, I will! It’ll be easy. Real fun.”
Jesse’s smile was so damn familiar. Not necessarily comforting, but close enough.
“You’ll love it. Promise.”
Rather presumptuous. Probably not inaccurate.
Gabriel could feel his own expression softening. He couldn’t help it. Jesse fucking made him smile. More than he had in a long time, before Route 66.
“What,” Jesse said, voice always so smooth and liquidly and warm, “you want a special word or something? Because I can do that, if you’re into beggin’ and cryin’ and shit.”
Reyes snorted. “You act like you have a lot of experience with this.”
Jesse fastened the restraint around Gabriel’s ankle to his thigh. “I sure do.”
The look on Jesse’s face fell to something a bit darker for just a second. Eyes lowering and his brow knitting together just slightly. But then, like a switch flipping, he was back to his stupid smirk. Running a hand up Gabriel’s thigh.
Jesse’s hands stopped most coherent thoughts Gabriel had for a while. For a long time.
Later, Gabriel thought to himself that it was fucked up. Because where would Jesse get all that experience from. From who. When.
It was fucked up. But it didn’t stop him.
/////
Evac was coming. They’d made it to the extraction site. It was just the two of them. Everyone else was already out.
Jesse was in his lap, bleeding out.
Gabriel couldn’t stop the bleeding very effectively. Too many holes. No supplies left.
Counting breaths to keep from completely losing his shit.
“Hey,” Jesse said, his voice wet, looking straight up at Gabriel.
“Yeah?”
“Am I gonna die?”
Gabriel’s hands were absolutely coated in red.
He couldn’t lie to him. Not now.
“It’s possible.”
Jesse’s exhale was shaky. Voice on his breath as he said, “Okay.”
Gabriel found Jesse’s hand and held it tight and listened to Jesse’s labored inhale.
“I love you.”
Gabriel’s throat tightened. He almost choked. He looked down at Jesse, who stared right back up at him, and the only thing Gabriel could see on his face was determination.
“I love you,” Jesse repeated. “So much.”
“Hey—“
“I love you, Gabe, I love—“ Jesse forced air back into his lungs again, reached up and grabbed a fistful of Gabriel’s hoodie, pulling him down, wrist scraping against the armor, saying it like a mantra, “I love you.”
“Evac’s coming,” Gabriel almost stuttered, eyes searching as Jesse’s started looking blank. “I — hey! Jesse. You’ll be alright.”
“Gabe.”
Gabriel spoke very quietly and evenly. “You’re going to be fine, we’re going to get back to the base, you’re going to wake up in the infirmary, I’m going to be there.”
He could apparently lie after all.
Jesse didn’t respond.
“Jesse, I love you.”
Silence. Breath so shallow.
“I told you before. I told you. And now — you can’t. Just.” Gabriel’s voice was cracking. Jesse was limp in his arms.
The whir of the engines from the transport filled the air above their heads.
/////
"You ever still hold it against me? What I did to you. Taking you outta Deadlock."
Jesse looked over at him and smiled. "Oh. Sometimes."
Gabriel held his gaze and asked, his voice barely above a whisper, "You ever wanna kill me?"
And Jesse's grin only grew as he paused for a beat and said, just as quietly, "Sometimes."
Opening his mouth to speak and realizing he couldn’t, really, Gabriel blinked twice until Jesse laughed at him and leaned forward. Pressed a firm kiss against his lips. Gabriel returned it out of reflex.
“Oh, sugar. I wouldn’t ever kill you.” Jesse spoke between the centimeters separating their mouths, the smile evident in his voice. “I’d die for you.”
what
Date: 2017-04-27 07:40 am (UTC)also wanted to tell you when i saw this post i pretty much screamed because it was you!!! your writing!!! so uh, thanks ya
Re: what
Date: 2017-04-27 08:27 pm (UTC)Re: what
Date: 2017-04-27 08:31 pm (UTC)NO (BUT ACTUALLY YES)
Date: 2017-04-27 09:53 am (UTC)ok but seriously i've been craving some fucked-up jesse content and you have watered my dying crops with this. you have such a concise, minimalist way with words and it felt like you knew what you needed to do to DESTROY MY FEELINGS-ASS WITH YOUR WRITING DICK and just went the fuck for it. a+++
Re: NO (BUT ACTUALLY YES)
Date: 2017-04-27 08:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-27 12:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-27 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-27 03:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-27 08:30 pm (UTC)Everything hurts
Date: 2017-04-27 03:34 pm (UTC)Re: Everything hurts
Date: 2017-04-27 08:30 pm (UTC)Re: Everything hurts
Date: 2017-04-29 03:48 pm (UTC)Re: Everything hurts
Date: 2017-04-30 01:59 am (UTC)EXCUSE YOU
Date: 2017-04-27 05:34 pm (UTC)First of all, you're not allowed to be that good at art AND this good at writing these two assholes. Totally unfair. I call shenanigans. Secondly, the characterization in this was PHENOMENAL. I adore the idea of Jesse being dangerous, of Gabe being unsure if he can be trusted and if Jesse would one day turn on him. YOU DESTROYED MY HEART WITH THAT ENDING.
Re: EXCUSE YOU
Date: 2017-04-27 08:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-28 07:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-28 02:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-04-29 06:12 pm (UTC)but wow hi i love this
no subject
Date: 2017-04-30 01:51 am (UTC)